took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
