The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
