Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
