Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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