Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
