I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
