Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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