Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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