I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize