Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
