I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
