This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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