omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
