i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
We need to get me chipped asap
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