now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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