I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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