You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
