he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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