I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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