I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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