I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize