Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
