Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
