just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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