Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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