Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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