She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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