I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
