dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
