Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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