Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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