I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
