i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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