then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
