Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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