my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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