it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The adults are the big ones right?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize