Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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