Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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