she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
