Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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