And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
