I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
