went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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