I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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