Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
