So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Couch. On fire.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
