we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
