You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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