i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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