I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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