Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
