I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
