new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
