Do you still have your period?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize