I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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