You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Sponge bath it is.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
