Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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