I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
