youre lurking in front of me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
