Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
