I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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