just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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