I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
