My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize