I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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