I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
