My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
