So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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