i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
