Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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