New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
