he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My balls are so social today.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
